


Can we be selfish, just this once?

by Crystalitemoon



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: 2 other fics y'all are waiting on but, Canonical Character Death, Character Study ish?, Fluff, Give everyone a hug please, How Do I Tag, Hurt no Comfort?, I have no excuses, I know I have like, Kinda, Lazy day i guess, M/M, Momota is vaguely mentioned oop, Ouma is tired, Ouma needs a hug, Ouma not Oma, Please Don't Kill Me, Please Kill Me, Suicidal Thoughts, THIS IS ACTUALLY BETA READ WHAT???, Why she puts up with me i have no clue, actually, author is a mess, hhhhhhhhh here take this instead?, i mean it seems that way, kinda unrequited love?, not a fix it, shuichi is sad, there's like one part were there's a graphic description, uh, uhhhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29163996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crystalitemoon/pseuds/Crystalitemoon
Summary: Kokichi decides to be selfish, one last time.(In which Kokichi is so, so tired and Shuichi is left none the wiser)
Relationships: Kinda - Relationship, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 67





	Can we be selfish, just this once?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!! Uh, haha...
> 
> I promise I'm working on Mouthful of Cotton! I just, uh, ran out of steam on that one. Then I was listening to music and just went "huh, here's an idea". So have this oneshot, I guess. 
> 
> The lovely [Gecko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gecko47) beta'd this fic for me! Everyone say "thank you Gecko" :)))
> 
> I'm not going to be very active (when am I ever lol) mostly because school is kicking into high gear right now, so it's going to be a bit hard for me to write things out. Please be patient with me!
> 
> Enjoy!

“Don’t you ever get tired?”

Kokichi looks over at the boy next to him, lazily fingering at the grass beneath their feet. He tilts his head, a bit confused. Tired of what? Tired of running, tired of lying, tired of being trapped in the never-ending cycle of killings that had been forced upon them since what seems like eons ago? The possibilities are endless, the vagueness of the question laughable, and when Kokichi tells him such Shuichi does just that.

“Ah, I suppose it is quite vague.” He smiles sheepishly, golden eyes not meeting his own in a way that is distinctly _Shuichi_. The way the corners of his lips curl up shyly, the way his eyes don’t dart but instead drift slightly away, like warm sunlight inching sluggishly across marble floors. Familiar in that nostalgic way, in a way that somehow feels like coming home, yet new all the same. Although, It’s not like they’ve been together for anything less than a couple months. Or weeks, perhaps. 

Time passes so slowly nowadays, Kokichi notes. Moments speed by like bullets and yet time pulls forward like molasses. But it marches on nonetheless. Is it scary? Not really, but each passing second, each subtle tick of the clock leaves Kokichi feeling like it’s running out.

Ah, but that’s not what he should be focusing on.

“Well, I meant to ask.” Shuichi continues after a moment of silence, the lazy atmosphere allowing the quiet to be anything but awkward, and Kokichi looks back at the navy haired boy. “Don’t you ever get tired of acting like you do? The bouncing around and constant antagonization, I mean.”

So that’s what he meant. Kokichi sighs, fastening his slipping mask tighter to his face before giving a tired grin. Not like it matters anyway. He’s replied to this question before, and he’ll reply in the same manner as he’s done thousands and thousands of times before.

“Mmm? Acting? I’m flattered you think so highly of me, my beloved _Sai-ha-ra-chan~_ ” he accents each syllable, moreso out of his natural dramatic flair than out of underlying meaning. Of course, if Shuichi chooses to take it that way then it’s not Kokichi’s problem. He can think what he wants. “But I can assure you, that I am totally, completely, 100 percent not acting!”

And of course, Shuichi picks up on the minuscule waver in his voice because he wouldn’t be Shuichi if he hadn’t, would he? A curse and a blessing, Kokichi supposes, as Shuichi fixes him with a very disappointed and very unimpressed look. He avoids his gaze, pretending like he doesn’t notice how Shuichi’s gaze travels across his face, doesn’t feel his skin burn where his eyes have reached.

(The skin doesn't peel, doesn't flake like a sunburn should but it feels like it. Oh, it feels like it)

Kokichi sighs and lets himself fall backwards, shifting so his arms are behind his head. Watches the artificial sun cross the artificial sky, feeling the artificial breeze blow across his skin. He stays silent because, really, what more is there to say? _Hey, I’m tired all the damn time? I want this stupid fucking game to end because I hate it with my entire being and I would rather shoot myself in the foot and stare at the bloody hole for 3 days straight then watch another one of my friends die?_

Yeah, that’ll help with the image he’s trying to create of himself. Really fits the “mastermind” vibe. Morality and shit just screams _villain_.

“Can I ask another question, then?” Shuichi says, somehow not yet chased away by Kokichi’s lack of words. Honestly, the tenacity of the detective never ceases to amaze Kokichi. Doesn’t he ever get bored? 

“Mmmm,” Kokichi pretends to think about it, twisting his face in false reluctance, despite having no bone in his body able to resist the sweet detective. 

Ick, feelings.

“Ah, go ahead, if you’re so curious” Kokichi sits back up, giving a mischievous glance at the detective, gaze slitted in the afternoon light. He’s not quite sure why Shuichi is still here, honestly. Why he keeps coming back, time and time again, even with Kokichi’s threats against his life. What could be so interesting, so amusing, about spending time with someone such as him? It makes no sense. 

Then again, that’s just what makes him appealing, he supposes. Maybe that’s why he keeps letting him stay, and why Kokichi even looks forward to their meetings. Maybe that’s just it.

“Why do you lie?” Shuichi asks, and Kokichi stays silent for a moment. What could he say? He tugs softly at the grass again, keeps his vision locked on the weeds that pepper throughout. Kokichi contents himself in ripping them from the dirt, littering the ground with their uprooted carcasses as he continues. Better to nip them at the root rather than allow them to regrow from the stem. 

“Have you heard the story of the girl who coughed up roses?” he replies instead. “She fell in love with a man who loved someone else, y’know? One day she wakes up and bam!!” He waves his hand in punctuation, turning his head lazily to stare just left of Shuichi’s eyes. “Chokes out a couple bloody petals.”

“No, I don’t believe I’ve heard that story.” Shuichi sounds annoyed but takes it in stride, which is admirable, considering that's more than anyone’s ever given him. Shuichi must either be bored out of his mind or just a downright masochist for willingly dealing with him, annoyed or not. Or batshit crazy. Doesn’t matter to Kokichi either way, seeing as the company keeps him amused as well.

Even if Shuichi was crazy, he doesn’t think he’d ever part from his side.

“Well it’s pretty stupid, actually. She goes and falls in love! With a taken man, no less! Pathetic, if you ask me” He continues, gesturing every now and then, “Anyway, so she keeps meeting up with the guy anyway, because y’know, love and all that jazz, and one day he asks her if she’s okay.” He pauses, looking at Shuichi straight in the eyes.

“She tells him yes, lying through her teeth as she chokes on the flowers growing up in her chest. Romantic isn’t it?” Kokichi smiles, bringing his hands down to his lap. “She dies the next day, suffocated by the last remains of her love. The guy’s left none the wiser. The End!!”

Shuichi looks a bit appalled, and tentatively he replies “That’s not a happy ending at all.” The statement’s so naive, so sweet, almost stupid, and Kokichi has to laugh.

“Oh, Saihara-chan” He grins, all teeth, “Not every story has a happy ending, you know.”

“Still though, I don’t see the point in her lying. Leaving the man clueless seems a bit cruel” Shuichi argues, and Kokichi snorts. He doesn’t get it, does he?

“Really? I don’t see it that way at all” Kokichi says, because it’s true. “What would you do if your friend died because of you? Because of something you could not control? Would you not feel guilty?” He looks away from Shuichi, watches the clouds pass by. “Sometimes the sweetest thing you can do is lie.”

Shuichi is quiet, and Kokichi panics a bit because he's said too much, hasn’t he? He’s gone and spilled his heart out onto Shuichi, ripped himself open and exposed himself for him to see. How utterly pathetic. How idiotic.

(How idiotic it must be, to fall in love in a place like this)

Kokichi is just about to get up and run away again before Shuichi stops him with a smile. “I understand, Kokichi.” He says, and no, he can’t. It’s just a stupid story and nothing more. There’s nothing to understand at all. There’s no reason for Shuichi to be smiling that damn smile at him, like he knows something that Kokichi doesn’t, like he understands what it’s like to be in Kokichi’s shoes.

“Thank you for telling me.” Shuichi folds his hands, and Kokichi folds with it, anger flowing through his veins because _how dare he?_ How dare he pretend like he knows who he is, that he can understand the core part of his being from a stupid story. How _dare_ he, how _dare he_ act so relaxed when Kokichi is so exposed, so uncomfortable with all that he’s spilled. He shakes with barely contained rage, cheeks painted pink in embarrassment, and _god_ , why does Shuichi have this affect on him?

He can’t stay angry for too long, though, and he almost never does. Not when it’s Shuichi, with his infuriatingly long lashes, his holy high cheekbones and golden eyes that he could swim in. Never with Shuichi.

So he says nothing, only stares up at the fake clouds as they roll across the sky. Shuichi doesn’t say a word more of the subject, taking his silence as however he feels, whether it be confirmation or a sign of anger. Kokichi doesn’t care either way.

The moment doesn’t last forever, though, as Momota calls for the detective from across the courtyard, and Shuichi turns to give Kokichi an apologetic look. He opens his mouth to speak but Kokichi waves him off with a smile. He’s wasted too much time, anyway. 

“Go on, run off to Momoron” he laughs at Shuichi’s offended expression, leaning forward and into the other boy’s personal space. “I’m sure he’s too impatient to wait for long”. He’s a little bit hurt that it’s so easy to brush him aside for another person. It’s what he worked for, he knows, but it doesn’t stop the fact that it still hurts.

Shuichi sighs and shakes his head, standing up and stretching before looking back down at the purple haired boy. He seems to look straight through him, for a moment, and Kokichi looks to the side. He’s a bit uncomfortable with Shuichi’s all knowing eyes, unappreciative yet grateful of the way they strip him to his core. Maybe he could understand, one day. 

“Still, thank you for spending time with me” Shuichi smiles softly, reaches down to take his hand and look him in the eyes, “I really appreciate it”.

Momota calls for him again, impatience seeping through his voice, and Shuichi lets go. He turns and jogs towards the Astronaut, calling back with equal parts amusement and annoyance. Kokichi just sits there, eyes wide and hand still outstretched. When had Shuichi gotten so bold? When had he gained enough confidence as to hold his hand? Not only that, but to look him in the eyes? Kokichi’s cheeks flush red and he pulls his scarf up to hide the unsightly color, hand pressed tightly to his heart.

How embarrassing.

Ah, but there’s nothing left to distract Kokichi from his thoughts now, is there? The ever spiraling nature of his mind is hard to be excited about, paranoia beating deep within the confines, and sometimes he finds himself wishing he were someone else. He falls back with a deep sigh, staring dully at the looming metal bars of the cage that confines them all to hell. 

Is it really worth it? Is anything he does really worth it? Kokichi thinks and thinks, thinks about his family, Dice, and how disappointed they would be in him. Thinks about his friends, here and now, who distrust him to the point of avoidance. Thinks of all the fucked up things he’s done, and will do, in the future. Thinks about how easy it would be, to sneak a knife from the kitchen and drive it through his rib cage, squishing through his vital organs and slicing straight into his heart. How easy.

Thinks about Saihara, about how deserving he is of life, of happiness, of a joy that Kokichi cannot bring him. Of freedom.

Kokichi glances back down at his hand. It’s still warm, still tingling from the aftershock of Shuichi’s touch. How pathetic, for a simple gesture to burn so hotly in his chest. How strange, for someone so deserving to indulge someone so vile.

Kokichi thinks about everything, about nothing, about all that lies in between, and he knows. He doesn’t deserve the easy way out, he deserves to suffer, to atone for all he’s done. Just as Saihara deserves to live, to be free, to lead a happy life outside of the walls of this nightmare.

He stands, stretches his sore limbs and reaches for the sky. For a future that he cannot have, for a future he doesn’t deserve. He reaches, just for a moment, and finally lets go. He smiles. It’s freeing, almost, to come to terms with his destiny. To stop lying, if only for a moment.

For Shuichi, he would fall to the deepest pits of hell, would light the world ablaze with a smile. And it’s scary, so scary, the lengths he would go. Terrifying, yet freeing, fleeting in a way. Lifts him up but drags him down, leaves him cold and burning. What’s one more sin added to the rest?

Kokichi decides to be selfish, one last time.

_(Saihara screams at the blood on the floor, tears rolling down his cheeks as he cries, cries, cries, drowning in the final remnants of his love. It’s already cold, cold, cold._

_Selfish, so, so selfish)_

**Author's Note:**

> >:)))))


End file.
